[fame]

If I were to be honest, which why wouldn't I be?, I would have to say that when I look at my life up to this point, I'm not happy with it. Let me explain before it is assumed I am emo and hate life. This isn't one of those "my life sucks" sites mentioned earlier. What I mean is that in comparison to all the given exciting life experiences that are on display for all to see, my life is bor-ring. There are people going on adventures all over the world, people discovering new ideas and ways of thinking, people having the time of their lives with the person they love the most, people finding the true meaning of life in some forest somewhere, people who are famous...

Yup. That's the most potent. Fame. There are people in movies, television shows, Broadway shows. Case and point, there are people living the life I know is mine to live. This fact has crept into my mind many a times throughout my short life, but it's hit full force now. Never in my life have I been so numb to my current life situation, constantly wishing there was something coming to make it better. Never have I wanted so badly to escape at all costs and simply go off and start a new, exciting life. Yes, sure, there are aspects of my life I would keep the same, friends, family, personality, etc. Anything that I love would stay, but things like the school routine, busy schedules, pointless classes, and this feeling of always waiting would have to go.

Waiting. Waiting. Waiting. Waiting for what? I have no idea, but I know there are exciting things out there, I've seen them, I've had a taste of some of them, and those tastes acted like a drug, a drug that was extremely addicting. I'm a fame addict. I get my kicks from bits of fame, chances to shine, opportunities to draw attention to myself. It makes me feel empty if I don't get it, and when I do, life seems to have purpose. Purpose only fame can bring.

Wait...

[insert the filter]

Fame. Pride. The two are linked so strongly, my mind would have to be ripped if they were to be separated. It's impossible for me to have one without the other. Fame automatically leads to my head growing to thirteen times its normal size, and pride cannot breathe without some form of attention being directed my way. Is there anything wrong with fame? No. But when I'm relying my joy solely on whether or not people are watching me in awe, I think I have a problem. Though here's another problem: I'm being told everyday that my first problem isn't really a problem at all, it's a weakness. "How can you reach fame without the sacrifice of everything for it? You won't go anywhere unless you get over this 'guilt' about getting to the top."


So what is my joy? Or what should it be? That's the question I face every millisecond of every single day...or so it seems. And I'm not dumb. On the contrary, I consider myself to be quite smart. I know what the answer to those two questions are. Yet, here's yet another problem: It's a struggle to care. Horrible right? Seriously? You don't care? What does that even mean 'I don't care'? Honest once again, I don't know.

I was recently told by a good friend that this feeling of complete apathy would ruin me. Literally ruin me. My life, my happiness, my everything. And it's true. But then how does it stop? What can make me suddenly change my attitude, flip the happy switch, make myself feel great about where I find myself in life right now? I know the answer to that too.

For I know the plans I have for you...plans for good and not disaster, to give you a future and a hope


At those words something amazing happens. Peace. It's as if the ragging storm, tossing me, breaking me, making me feel miserable suddenly stops. Just like that. Peace. It's a thing I'll never understand. How quickly it comes, how quickly it works, how long it lasts, and how its a promise. A promise that won't ever be broken.

So yes. The fame addiction will never go away, I'm beyond sure of that fact. I'll never stop wanting more attention to make me happy. I won't always feel great about what I'm doing. I won't stop asking 'why the heck?'. But here's the glorious thing: If you think about it, I've got eternal fame to look forwards to. I'm still looking forwards to something, but at least this fame will mean something.